Creativity has been hard lately. The weather is putting us all in a lazy, movie watching, homebound funk. The kids have been playing in the sink, and making elaborate train setups, and I have been knitting and thinking about garden plots. But we have not been playing with paint, or paper or glue or scissors... We had a great routine going and now I am faltering and failing. My motivation and drive got swept away in the flood waters and tossed over the falls.
I so want to be the mom who has it all together, who has the house in order and decorated for the season. But here I sit with a sink full of dishes and crumbs on the floor and no plans to remedy the situation anytime soon. Everyone keeps saying the weather is the worst they have seen in a long while up here, and I need to believe them if I am going to stay sane. Word to the wise- don't move somewhere that you know no one in the bleak of winter, it's a recipe for a Shining style disaster.
I find myself being short with everyone in the house. In the brief moments the hubby and I are together each day we bicker and argue over stupid things, like who didn't take out the recycling and who is too tired to deal with more poop accidents. I am trying to keep it all together. And my facade is cracking. I am tired. So very tired.
Tired of worrying about money, tired of paying one bill while hoping another doesn't bounce, tired of repeating the same rules over and over and over (and over) again to the kids, tired of listening to the hubby treat the kids like they are 14 instead of 4, tired of trying to explain why I don't like yelling in the house, tired of feeling not in control. I feel like I am waiting for something to give. Waiting for the levees to break and the waters of life to pour over us.
Waiting to see if I will sink or swim. I am tired of the waiting but am scared to jump in.