Could you do that?

Today my sister talks about some firsts that she experienced this weekend. One of them was a negative reaction to her adopting story....When a woman (who sounds like an insensitive cow) found out that Liz is adopting a 2.5 yr old she said,"Two and a half? And her family is giving her up? I don't know about that...could you do that?"

It got me thinking- could I do it? If I had to choose; which of my boys would I give up? What would it be like to know that I could not provide for them? And I don't mean not getting them the hot new Christmas toy, I mean necessities like food and water.

 My selfish answer, the answer that I would choose to make it easier on myself would be both of them (but even that brings up another set of questions: is there a safeguard against them being separated?Would Joe remember us enough to tell Jude about us? and lots of others things that I am sure ran/run through birth parents' minds) That way at least they have each other.

A non selfish answer is hard to think about. My sister's response to the woman was "I don't know, but then again I'm not starving." So I thought about what circumstances I would have to be in to have to make the decision to give up a child.

I think I would have seriously considered (note that I say considered but give no definitive answer) giving a child up for adoption if I had gotten pregnant at any point in life before meeting my husband. I know that I am not a strong enough person to parent alone, and I know (with some hindsight for sure) that 99% of the men in my life prior to hubby were not suitable mates.....

So what circumstances would I have to be in, to have married the hubby, to have birthed my boys, to have lived the 2+ years with Joe and decide to give him to some other people? 

I don't have an answer. And the reason I don't have an answer is because I live in the U.S., because I am healthy, because my children are typically developing, because neither I nor my husband have addiction problems, because I am white, because I have parents who would support me financially and emotionally if any of the aforementioned reasons were reversed.

All of the above allow me to be poor but not ever destitute. I don't know what true hunger feels like even though I have worried about where my next meal is coming from. I don't know what having no roof over my head feels like even though I may have worried about making the rent. I don't know what it is like to be sick with no cure in sight, even though I know how it feels to make the choice between food or medicine. I don't know what it is like to walk in to a government office without negative assumptions walking in with me, even though I have walked into aid offices in two different states.

So I think I would have answered the woman in the same way that my sister did. And hope that the response would make the woman realize how lucky she is to not have to make that decision.

Knitting is supposed to be relaxing

Holy Moly Christmas is fast approaching and I have nothing to show for it! 

All I have finished out of that giant list of knitting is one measly bag (and it's not even totally finished).

I can't stop looking for new patterns is the problem. And all of my Christmas knitting ideas are being taken over by the search for the perfect thing to knit for my new niece. And that search is being taken over by the search for the perfect yarn with which to knit said perfect thing for my new niece.

I'm still committed to doing a handmade Christmas, I just don't know how much of it will be from my hands....Next year I start the Christmas knitting in august!

Uncle Mike

My husband's Uncle Mike is dying. From cancer. The same kind of cancer that the hubby's father had- lung and throat and everywhere else apparently. The thing is no one knew that Uncle Mike even had cancer until last week.

Uncle Mike didn't come to Jude's baptism because he was home sick, with what doctors' thought was pneumonia. Turns out the spot they thought was pneumonia is cancer, and it is rampant throughout the rest of his body. They say he has 3-6 weeks to live. If they are right he will miss his first (and only right now) grandchild's first Christmas. 

I don't know how to support Aunt and my Mother in Law, or my husband while we play the waiting game. I don't know what to do or say in the face of death. I am at a loss over loss. 

Baptism and Pumpkins

It's hard work coming into the Lord. 

Uncle Justin as GodFather, Gwynne as Christian Witness or Jude's "Loves the Lord but not the Pope Godmama"

  "I do it" Yes I gave the 2 year old a steak knife to carve a pumpkin with.

 "RARRRR I scare you!"
 The family of pumpkins.

Day 2 of 2 kids

When Jude was born the hubby was laid off. This was bad financially, but awesome in terms of childcare. We divided and conquered. The 2 year old was out for hours at the park with daddy, and then napped for hours with mommy and harmony was reached in the household.

The hubby went back to work this week. This awesome financially but bad in terms of childcare. I am being conquered. The two year old has not napped in 3 days and the days are looooonger than usual it seems. It doesn't help that it is raining....

On Monday we had a good day; we visited my friend Gwynne and her little boy. We played in the playgrounds of Prospect Park and came home nice and tired. Not tired enough for a real nap, but tired enough to rest for good long while. Tuesday and Wednesday were a whole different ballgame. First of all it has been raining so there was no park time to tire us out. So we ventured out to a playgroup, where Joe was the only boy, and the moms were cliquey. The adventure ended in huge meltdown, complete with tears and screams and not all of them were Joe's. The afternoon brought no nap but we started our pumpkins.

The pumpkins are currently drowning in the front yard. They took roughly 2 hours to clean out and carve, mostly because Joe kept putting the seeds back in. When the hubby came home, it was 2 hours of roughhousing and bedtime.

Wednesday dawned rainy and cold. We had errands to run, which is about 80 million times harder with 2 kids in the rain. We had plans to go to story time at the library, packages that needed to be delivered to the post office, and eggs that needed to be purchased from the grocery store.

The packages got delivered. We missed story time, but got to meet some of the moms who participate in it as they hung out in the warmth of the library. They all had perfect hair and nails . I am intimidated by these perfect hair women. I don't know why, maybe it's a hold over from high school where the popular girls all had hair that was done and nail appointments each week; maybe it's because not one of them talked to me while we were there... I know I shouldn't care but they make me feel like I'm doing something wrong as a mom; like I did Joe some disservice by not knowing about this library group before he turned 2, like I've missed out on hours of fantastic mom conversations because I am not a group joiner, like somehow I am a dirty slob because I didn't get a chance to shower today. 

I've been doing this mom thing for 2 (almost 3) years and still when you put me in a room of perfect hair moms, I feel like a unsure newbie. 

So I hid behind the baby. I hauled the little porker out of the stroller and read stories to him and Joe. When Joe wandered off to play with the puzzles, I practically held Jude in the air and screamed "Look at what I made!" Baby as conversation starter. We shall see if I can break into this mom group, or if I run away as soon as story time is over next week....

The eggs didn't get purchased, it was way to wet to walk to the store from the library. Maybe tomorrow. Nap didn't happen. What the heck do I do in the rain with these kids all afternoon?

The knitting for christmas

I must put this somewhere so I actually do it (instead of continueally looking up new patterns). We shall see how many get done in the (gasp!) 8ish weeks until christmas...

For Mom: a cabled scarf but not as a scarf as a neck warmer- because she is a fan of turtlenecks

For Liz: it's something for E.T's room- though i do feel like i should get her something as it is the last year she will receive gifts (once you have kids you get nothing, but your kids get tons)

For Kathleen's Kids: Carmen: no idea yet

                                     Miles: maybe a hat and mittens? 

                                     Sophia: a backpack

These three kids are the hardest to buy/make for as I never see them and I don't know what they are into.

For Eileen's Kids: Megan: a cute little bag

                                 Sarah: knitted bookmarks and a floppy dog

For Matt's Kid: Liam: a hat and maybe scarf (it has to be chic though)

For Julie's Kids: Caleb: Dinosaur 

                              Gabrielle: Bunny 

For Danielle's Kids: Heather: same bag as megan

                                    Kyle: hand puppet dragon modeled 

Peg my mother in law: cabled scarf (but not as fancy as my mom's)

The other adults in my life are getting ornaments, and coasters, and washcloths.

I have other projects in mind for people I've never met.

what have I been doing?

Sheesh It's been a long time since an update....What have I been doing?

well there has been some knitting going on (I've found Ravelry.com and LOOOVE IT). I have a new niece coming soon, so I get to make all sorts of lovely girl items. On the needles now (or at least in the very near future) is a twirly dress made from ribbon yarn, a few cuddlies, and a blanket.

For christmas I am trying to knit or needle felt something for everyone, so all the spare time is spent struggling over cables and stabbing wool.

There is a job hunt going on. Both my husband and I are out of work. Which, quite frankly sucks. I was only part time last year, so when the school year ended so did my job. The hubby was laid off right as the baby was born. Lay offs are common in the construction world, and we thought it would be temporary....but three months in and he is still on the couch along with about 6,000 other guys from his union. We are exploring options. Including maybe moving out of NYC. There is a lot of math involved in this decision though, so we are only entertaining the notion of exploring the option...

There is a baby to feed and adventures to go on too...

Jude is now 2 months and a little bit old. He weighs in at 15lbs and a bunch of ounces and is 24 inches long... And Joe is a wonderful big brother saying things like " I love the Jude". He also makes great connections to life like "Mamma look the cow! The cow pumpin mamma!" which make me feel like I should I have a tee-shirt like the moolicious sign!