Monday, February 11, 2008


Last weekend I went out sans hubby. It was a girl's night out of music and dancing and too much booze; and it was needed by all. I needed it to reaffirm that others find me attractive, as well as to remind myself how much i really do love the big lug i am married to.

We've been fighting lately over stupid things like not clearing the table or leaving the dishes in the dishwasher. and the argument is always the same- he throws out that he worked all day and i was home, and i get resentful and want to run away from this life that i am leading. This life feels like a washed out version of the life i am supposed to be leading. The life i am supposed to be living should be more vibrant and less full of t.v.; the life i'm supposed to be living still involves a husband and child but it's more cosmopolitian and outgoing than the lump on a log one i am leading.

So I went drinking, and stayed out to late with people there is history with and pushed the envelope as far as i could. I danced with strangers, chatted at the bar, and when it was time to go made sure to say goodbye to the history man. Who is part of the band but I'm not saying who...

It's just that the men in my life that got away often have left without anyone saying goodbye in a real substantial way, and I care to much about people in general. I still wonder about people from my past and then i get sad because i have a feeling they don't wonder about me.

Last weekend I realized that even though i should probably not be left alone with the history man for long periods of time, if i was nothing would ever happen; since the ache that would be left without the hubby would kill me.

We got married fast and had a baby even faster and the love i have for him is the most intense feeling i have ever had. and i guess i am scared that the fire that burns so hot will burn out too fast

1 comment:

Mary said...

I read this a few days ago, and it really stuck with me, plinging around in my brain like a pinball.

You know, from what I hear from all of my friends who are moms (with small kids/babies in particular), the theme of isolation pops up almost all the time (to varying degrees, perhaps). And what weirds me out is that before I knew women my own age who are moms, that thought hadn't really occurred to me before. That especially in those early stages of raising kids, when you're at their beck & call 24/7, the mom (and sometimes, the dad, but let's face it, most often it's the mom) really is isolated. Both physically (in the sense that you're often tied to home for logistical purposes of caring for a baby), and in a lot of ways, socially/psychologically (what with having a little one who needs so much of you, and being tied to home, and consequently having less time for yourself and your relationships with other adults).

And maybe that's kind of a no-brainer, really, but it's just something I never thought about. Maybe it's because in this day & age, we hear so much about how connected we all are, how women are juggling all these balls at once (family/work/home/friends/dreams/goals), that I sort of inferred that it'd be hard to have time to feel isolated.

Is it just something that our culture doesn't want to talk about, worrying that it might somehow diminish the importance or beauty of motherhood to admit its downsides or cloudier moments, or were women talking about it all along but I was too young/focused on my own growing-up to notice?

Food for thought, for me, anyway. Reminds me how much more growing-up I have left to do. ;+)