Thursday, January 29, 2009

Admitting it

When Joe was 5 days old, I woke up hysterical crying and not wanting to touch him. The hormones had dropped and I was experiencing the Baby Blues.... The problem is I didn't really ever stop crying; I just got really good at hiding it from people.
I tried to talk to my mom and sisters about it, but was told "you just do what needs to be done"- the problem is I didn't know how to do what needed to be done. Sure I knew how to quiet the baby, how to change the baby, how to feed the baby and all those basics; but I didn't know how to do all those things and keep the house clean, and make dinner, and walk the dog, and be a good wife as well as good mother. Were my expectations of myself too high? I don't know. My own mother did all those things and she had 6 kids! She even had time to have tea and a brief nap everyday at 4pm. But she can't tell me how to do it all...
I have a sister who has twins and a husband who past away before they were born. You'd think she would be helpful, or at least sympathetic to he little sister; but no. She also told me to "suck it up". I have a sister who doesn't speak to me, she is the only one who breastfed and I could have used her help- but she doesn't speak to me, so how do I ask for help from her?

I got a little better once Joe turned one, but still I find myself questioning my abilities; particularly when the house is a mess and dinner is take out. But the crying jags eased up and I felt like I was reaching a turning point. And then whamm-o pregnant again.

I am entering my 4th month of pregnancy with baby number 2 and the crying is starting again. I am freaking out about handling two kids, and a husband, and a dog, and keeping a clean house, and how to afford 2 kids and car payments and student loan payments...and I could go on and on about everything I am concerned about and have no control over.
So I made a decision- I am about to journey to a place where I'm pretty sure no family member has gone before... THERAPY. I talked to the school therapist today and had him refer me to someone. Sure our insurance won't cover it and I'm sure adding one more expense will keep me in therapy but the way I figure it 200 bucks is better than hiding in the bathroom to cry without the kids seeing.

3 comments:

Liz said...

Two things: 1-Why wouldn't your insurance cover it? I would check before assuming. 2-Faster and cheaper in the long run than therapy: the Landmark Forum (landmarkeducation.com). Trust me on this. Call if you want to talk.

Mary said...

Aw, geez...I'm really sorry that you're feeling so overwhelmed. I had no idea.

Obviously, in my childless state I can't speak from firsthand experience with postpartum depression, but I know that many of my female friends with young kids have gone through periods of feeling intensely overwhelmed and isolated...so while everybody's experience is different and colored by their own background & circumstances, I think you're far, far from alone in what you're going through. It's something that still just isn't really openly talked about in our society, is it?

It's really good that you're reaching out for help. You should be proud of yourself for doing that. :-)

And I think the therapy, or whatever approximation of that you decide on, is a smart move, too. Getting things off your chest & out in the open is always a good thing.

If you ever need to talk, or just need someone to listen, call me anytime. :-)

Erin said...

I don't care what anyone says, being a mom is really really hard, and you should do whatever works to take care of yourself.

I have some of the same challenges, so not sure I have any good advice, but I do have to keep reminding myself that while it might seem that others have it easier or more together, that's not necessarily the case.

for what it's worth, I've been breastfeeding my kiddo for 7 months and trying to balance everything (except the clean house part - I've totally given up on that) - feel free to email me anytime to chat.

Erin